Step around the poop, if you can

I felt it was high time to discuss one of my favorite,misunderstood topics-the fart.
Actual stupid fart facts-you might need to know if you are ever a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire or Jepoardy:

1-Farts are created mostly by E. coli.

2-On the average a fart is composed of about 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen. Less than 1% is what makes them stink.

3-The temperature of a fart at time of creation is 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

4-Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second.

5-A person produces about half a liter of farts a day.

6-Although they won't admit it, women fart as much as men.

7-Termites are the largest producers of farts.

8-Farts are flammable.

9-The word "fart" comes from the Old English "feortan" (meaning "to break wind").

10-Excess gas in the intestinal is medically termed "flatulence."
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Gas Glossary

The Lethal Weapon IV Fart:
It's loud, it's fast, everything blows up, people get hurt, end of story.


The Titanic Fart:
This was a really huge fart you did when you were a kid, but your family just will not stop talking about it, reviving it, and reliving it, and telling the story to everyone you introduce them to. You begin to wonder if they're planning sell the movie rights, and you begin to fantasize about Leonardo Decrapio to playing your part as the young farter, and wondering what the theme song will sound like.


The TWA Flight 800 Fart:
There was a huge explosion. There was fire. There were many witnesses. There were casualties. There was an investigation. There was a recreation of the crime scene. But to this day, the source cannot be identified. You are smiling.

The Lord of the Dance Fart:
In an effort to mask the sound of an oncoming fart, and beging talking about the Lord of the Dance show you saw, stamping your feet as hard and furiously as you can on a wooden floor as the air escapes.


The Ebola Fart:
One person in the group farts, then others around him start farting as well, speading like a virus. Soon, everyone is farting.


The Year2K Problem Fart:
You were short on time at lunch, and instead of having some healthy food, you opted for a bad chili dog from the street vendor. You know a really foul fart is coming, and you're going to be in a closed-door meeting all afternoon. You know you should have thought ahead at lunchtime and could have avoided the problem, but it's only 1:30pm and you feel it looming inside you already. A major disaster awaits unless you act NOW.


The Viagra Fart:
After a nice, vibrating fart, you find yourself aroused.


The Got Milk? Fart:
You forgot to take your "Lact-Aid", had some milk with your cookies, and now your lactose-intolerant stomach is about to teach you a lesson you won't forget.


The El Nino Fart:
You thought it might be serious well in advance, and it was. This fart is relentless, coming in huge waves, causing massive flooding and much damage in its wake. You vow to be better prepared next time.


The Mile High Club Fart:
The only way to join this club is to break wind above 30,000 feet
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I found these little dittys and thought Id share-these are supposed to be a real stories
of an "embarrassing moment"

The WalMart Fart

My wife & I were in Walmart one day & I felt a big fart building and rumbling in my gut. I looked around... saw no one anywhere and I let it rip. It was loud and smelled so bad it would gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

My wife grabs my arm and pulls me a few aisles away and I ask her why she pulled me away. She has me turn around and look where we were standing & there on her knees by a clothing rack was this poor lady taking clothes out of a box & her face wasn't a fot away from my ass when I farted. Yes I was getting dirty looks from her.


Jury Dooty

I am a criminal attorney, and was recently called to jury duty. For most people, jury duty is just an annoyance, but for young attorneys, it's a great chance to chat with lots of potential new clients, introduce myself to fellow attornies, and maybe even impress a judge that I could appear before in the near future.

We were called into a fairly small but traditionally adorned courtroom for jury selection, with wood on all of the walls, wooden chairs, the whole bit. Were were each given the usual questions, introducing ourselves one by one, going down the line as we were seated in the jury box. When it came my turn, I suddenly had to burp, so I stayed silent for a second, hoping it would pass. All eyes were on me, waiting to hear me speak.

Suddenly, a huge fart comes CAREENING out of my butt, before I could stop it, echoing loudly throughout the courtroom, amplified by my wooden oak chair!!!

I turned red, gave a fake name, and was the first person dismissed by the panel. I went home immediately, without even completing my jury duty!
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Fart Psych 101

There are many types of people who fart every day. It's your job to identify them, point them, out, and call them by name! (Assuming it wasn't you who did it, of course!) Here's a quick run-down of the type of people you're likely to catch farting around you on a daily basis:

The Vain Person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person: One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.
The Shy Person: One who releases silent farts and then blushes.
The Impudent Person: One who farts loudly and then laughs.
The Scientific Person: One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.
The Unfortunate Person: One who tries awfully hard to fart but poops instead.
The Nervous Person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person: One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.
The Dishonest Person: One who farts and then blames the dog.
The Foolish Person: One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person: One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person: One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.
The Sadistic Person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mates head.
The Intellectual Person: One who determines from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.
The Athletic Person: One who farts at the slightest exertion.
The Miserable Person: One who would truly love to but can't fart at all.
The Sensitive Person: One who farts and then bursts into tears.
The Bruiser: One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt cheeks.
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Please handle the following information with great care. I do not want to be held responsible for any possible destruction of property or injuries that may result. You really should consult a physician before begining any highly "reactive" diet. You've been warned. I care.

The secret to success actually rests in the basic formula used by perfume makers. A really great smelling fart has two basic ingredients; A "launcher", usually alcohol, and a "stinker", usually some decaying organic matter mixed with a nasal irritant.

For example, bad hamburger just isn't enough by itself. Now mix it will some spicy chili and you're on your way, but it's still "flat"... meaning that you have to pretty much bend down to the bowl and take a whiff before it grabs you. That's lame -- you want something that comes and GETS you, climbs down your throat, and makes you gag! For that to happen, you need the launcher --- alcohol, or decomposing sugar! So, a good recipe for success would be some marginally bad hamburger topped with chili, followed by a couple of shots of very cheap tequila. Allow the mixture to swirl in your gut for 3 to 6 hours, then get ready to RUMBLE!

There are many combinations that will work, and I encourage you to experiment and share your results. In order to help you get started, Here is a compiled list of items that are great stinkers, launchers, or a combination of both. Again, please use caution and stay away from candles.

- Beans
- Brussels Sprouts
- Cabbage
- Cauliflower
- Apple Juice
- Plums
- Tofu
- Greasy Nachos
- Spiced Turkey Sausage
- High Fiber/Bran Cereal
- Carbinates Soda
- Milk products (for the 'lactose intolerant')
- Broccoli
- Chewing Gum
- High Sugar Candies
- Nuts
- Spices
- Onions
- Deep Fried Foods
- Lentil
- Peas
- Sweet Potatoes
- Spicy Chili