Step around the poop, if you can

People were mad!

Angry women, fighting and screaming for the parking spot closest to the entrance....at my gym.

The average age of a resident at the town where I live is...75.

Restaurants close up at 10 every night, even on Friday and open at 6:00 am every morning.

The Walmart greeter is 115 years old, had 2 strokes and has a touch of the "heimers".

People out there are just fucking maniac drivers, They either drive when they feel like driving, no need for traffic lights or stop signs and I actually have to get out of my car, run to the trunk, pull a squirrel out of my ass, get a tire iron out and bludgeon myself, to get them to move or Im driving 60, and have a Nascar driver on my ass honking his horn.

The Lake Forest city flag is an old couple with their poodle and a walker.

My parents got a room at a bed and breakfast for 1 night in Lake Forest next week and are coming to see me .

I was on the phone with my dad today and I could hear my 70 year old mom in the background, sounding quite concerned that the reservation representative told them they dont have alot of parking, so they would have to park on the street.

I reassured my dad that Lake Forest is filled with old people, that its a very safe place and no one is going to steal their R. Kelly CD collection, just dont bring the dialysis machine.

My dad yelled out to my mom, "dont worry, the place is filled with old codgers-we're going to be ok!"

I picked a nice place to live out the rest of my years -hope, when its my time to retire they'll have built, "Laid Back Manor".

Could be an interesting place, many of the residents will be named Tiffany or Josh and everybody will have a beatbox-with Tupac or Pink Floyd playing.

Women residents will be wearing sweats that say Juicy or Baby Girl in the back and blue hair extensions, while the men residents will be wearing low hanging polyester pants and do-rags on their bald heads while telling the nurse, as shes cleaning the shit off his ass with a wetnap, " For schizzle my nizzle"

I have been thinking, when I die, I want to be cremated, the ashes put in a baggie and given to all my friends to put in a bong- then smoke. Party with an actual deadhead.

Dont forget to do comedy bits in between tokes.

Pass the Doritos.

Im a nurse.

Im single.

I breastfeed my cats.

What? theres lots of single people where I live.

I live in South Orange County, California

Im just trying to fit in.

Dont judge me.

Actually I dont know how I wound up in South OC, Im originally from Los Angeles

I needed a change.

I honestly didnt think there was going to be a big difference between living in orange county and living in Los Angeles.

So, I moved, and, found there was a small difference in cultures, in fact, it was like buying a big juicy peach, putting it up to your nose and smelling...

stinky feet.

There is an invisible line between SOUTH ORANGE COUNTY (the upper nose district) and NORTH ORANGE COUNTY

I did not know about this,

until I moved to South Orange County, went into a store with my (and dont try this at home) Target jeans on.

I got the "look", like I just farted on my way in then shit in the middle of the floor and played in it.

But thats not the only reason South OC freaks me out.

Its the weird ass Insects and the Critters that live there.

Okay, Big, I can deal with, I dont like it, I scream like a little girl, but I understand it.

What I don't understand are the scarey bugs that look like their parents mated with another species

1/2 feathers, 1/2 wings, scales, an arm.

The spiders spin webs on my porch daily, my place looks like the Adams family house.

It feels like Im in an episode of Wild Kingdom.

Lizards. A long one got in my house and clung onto a lampshade in the living room, it didnt go with my beach motif or I wouldnt have removed it-believe me.

A possum waddled by my bedroom window, huge and mangy looking (thought is was an ex boyfriend trying to stalk me) Guess it was heading toward the dumpster.

I went to take my trash out, and a racoon was in there eating a kotex. It bared its teeth when it saw me-I doubt it was smiling at me, they are not the cute little bandits you see on tv.
I found myself having a conversation with the racoon so he wouldnt...eat my face
then backed away slowly.

I heard there were coyotes in my area, but Ive never seen one, Ive only heard them about 2am when theyve caught something
Im awaken from a dead sleep to hear a murder going on.

I wanted to take a sunday drive, I was about to pull into the street, when sudden I see two Gi-normous birds standing in the middle of the street, Im thinking "why are there turkeys in the middle of my street?"

then I looked down and saw a dead possum and them having sunday brunch on it.

It suddenly occured to me, these werent turkeys, they were Vulchers.

Yuck. I was just mesmorized by the site, cause Ive never seen a vulcher up close except at,

a zoo or on an episode of Bonanza when a couple of them circled a dead horse on the ponderosa.

They saw me staring and looked at me as if to say, "you want a piece of me?" these were some Mafia birds from Jersey.

They had leather jackets on with "Vulcher" on the back

smoking ciggys

People were slowing their cars to watch, because they've never seen this shit before, either. The birds were just flipping them off.

Im had this thought that I should take a picture of this with my cell phone camera

But, my survival instinct kicked my ass and told me NO, they might let the air out of my tires. So, I went the other way.

I miss Los Angeles.

The Diversness

The Oddness

Yes, you have to step over the homeless guy to get in to the post office

You start hearing 4th of july fireworks, in May

But, at least you wont see a freaking hyiena jumping a zebra in the street.

I took today off of work because my parents were driving in from the San Fernando Valley to visit with me and give me boxes of shit that were in their closet/garage that they didnt want, but instead of throwing the crap away, they thought I might like to own these items - at least my mom thought so.

They finally arrived and got out of their SUV -my happy go lucky dad opened the door for his wife and helped her out of the vehicle.

My mom swung her bird legs out, with a purse that was bigger than her, in one hand, and her inhaler, for the asthma, in the other while attemping to grab my face to kiss me. 15 minutes later, my mom was finally out of the car and directed my dad to bring in the boxes from the back.

In the boxes layed some thoughtful treasures from the parents:

A poncho made of different dark and light colored suede leather squares, a homemade potpourri craft taken from my mom's underwear drawer, a pair of chandelier earrings purchased at Big Lots with no backs, a pair of jeans that were 8 sizes too small for me, 2 small cat bowls-imprinted with "meow" because, according to my mom, my cats are her only grandchildren, a blue something that was half dress half gym shirt and a pair of red/black velvet lounge pants.

Thanks mom and dad for the gifts. Why, it was just like my birthday.

My parents wanted to see Irvine Spectrum. So I loaded the 2 youngsters, in my car and off we went to visit this place.

On the way there we passed by "Captain Cream" and my dad wanted to stop in there to get some ice cream. I had to explain to my dad that Captain Cream was a titty bar not an ice cream parlor- he looked surprised and wanted to know what I meant by a titty bar. Horrified, I was now in the unique situation to explain to MY DAD what a titty bar was.

That was traumatizing-especially when his face brightened, he smiled and said "YEAH" like he was watching the Lakers win the playoffs while my mom was in the backseat. At these times, its good shes hard of hearing.

After that, I got to hear all about his appointment next week to have a colonoscopy and that they would probably find a Big Mac stuck in there from the seventies.

He is hopeful he wont be able to hear people farting while hes in the waiting room-cause that'll scare him.

When we got to Nordstroms, my dad commented on how their carpets needed a good cleaning to get all the spots out. You can take the old man out of the clean freak but you cant take the clean freak out of the old man.

We sat down to eat and we had to shout everything to my mom so she could hear what everyone was talking about.

My dad and I were having a normal decible conversation about Carlos Mencia in the booth and my mom screams out loud, "WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" My dad yelled back "CARLOS MENCIA"

I mean it sounded like the Montliff scene from 2001 Space Odessey right there in the restaurant.

On the way back from eating, while my mom snoozed in the backseat, my dad was describing to me a coyote he had seen up close-mangy and flea ridden.

Suddenly my mom decided to wake up from her nap just as dad said "mangy and flea ridden" She heard that part and demanded to know who we were talking about.

This was too much for me to resist.... I had to say "you", I had to.

Its okay, they both laughed.

Then I turned on my CD of Craig Shoemaker, the Lovemaster, and we listened to that all the way home.

My dad goes, oh, hes a black guy.

I had to explain to my dad that Lovemaster is a character voice and its done in the stereotypical black voice but Craig, himself, is white.

Dad still looked puzzled

But mom sort of liked it when Craig as Lovemaster said in one of his bits that, "if you leave the room I can still put your eye out." Guess she didnt care at that point what color Craig was.

And how was your day?

Okay, I usually dont think, let alone, write about this stuff, but really people, this is noteworthy-and not just because this shit started in my hometown of Lake Forest, California, but because my brain is melting trying to figure out how this man was so sly to have fooled everyone-what with a California-wide, nationwide FUCKING AMBER ALERT posted up on signs on every main freeway and posted on the home page of everyone's myspace profile.

As of today,this dude from Lake Forest,who shot his ex wife on July 2nd then kidnapped his 9 year old son, still hasnt been found... but... his large purple RV, was found, abandoned, at the mexican border.(see the above photo)

Yes, you, indeed, might be a redneck if you use a large purple RV as a getaway car, but you just might have bird shit instead of brain matter occuping the inside of your head, if you "MISS" a large purple RV going 15 miles an hour on the 405 freeway.

Maybe the guy was magical and made it invisible.

Or worse, maybe you DID see the RV but told your wife or, the hooker next to you, not to call the authorities, cause you, (as you bucked out your teeth like a horse),were thinking, a squirrel might fuck you in the ass if you got involved.

Ever pee in front of a pol-a-cia in mexico?

My brother did. He finished his visit with his friend, Jose Cuervo, was pie-eyed and just wanted to go back to his hotel room.

He tried to get out of the taxi, but, forgot to use his feet and fell face first-right in front of senor "Wiggam" of the Dos Precinct.


He was hauled off to the mexican hoose-gow and thrown in a cell that resembled the one from Barney Miller with 5 other crying field workers-no one spoke any english, and one of the inmates was sitting on the only pot in the cell, making a loaf.


My brother had to get across to someone that he needed to pee real bad...meanwhile Wiggam came back and was smashing one of the weeping mexican's heads into the jail bars, so my brother just decided to pee himself instead of saying anything.

Did everybody get their hands free device?

Apparently, putting a phone to your ear and having a conversation while driving distracts you to the severe point of possibly causing an accident.
I guess, eating a burger, drinking a latte,text messaging and smoking DOESNT.

Now I feel real safe on the roads.

Lets take a look at this, it just might be worth getting a ticket-you decide.

Its not a moving violation so a point won’t go on your record,
but,when your insurance company sees that you have been cited-some companies may choose to be dicks and raise your rates.

Cost for a Bluetooth- 60 dollars
Cost for a portable-clip on hands free device-80 dollars
Fine for 1st offense- minimum 20 bucks
Fine for 2nd offense-minimum 50 bucks

Wow, what incentive to stop using. Like telling someone to stop smoking because they will improve their health, but they may become fat as a result.

Well, this is probably good, individuals under age 18 wont be able to use cell phones at all while driving. They still will, however, be able to work at the McDonalds Drive-thru, Starbucks, ralphs and cell phone stores so you can buy plenty of things to distract you while on the road.