Step around the poop, if you can

guess what happened to me today?

I glanced down at my squished boobies and said to the technician-"not a real attractive position for a breast"

Gotta joke or I'll throw up from the fright of not knowing the results. The tech says to me "We'll call you by Wednesday if we need anything more"

So Joe, my bro, came over for a bit of din yesterday and he did the traditional thanksgiving "washing of the clothes" in my washer (I think he gave thanks for that free washer/dryer experiance-so its okay).
We also had the traditional Tofu with veges. I made sweet potatoes-okay? No marshmallows and it was one of those heat and serve type.

My friend came over too, and Joe made the traditional thanksgiving drink- rum and thai ice tea-ummmm- flatulant
We had plenty of drinkee. My "friend" asked me if I drank all his rum that he left at my house- I told him "yes, I drank the Acme Rum that you left-my bad-forgive me, but I did replace it with some Bacardi-which cant be confused as nail polish remover, is that okay?"

Joe, who is highly allergic to just about anything with or without fur (attractive quality) took a room at a nearby motel.
I brought bagels with cream cheese and coffee to him at 9am-Motherfucker was still in bed-I guess Juice Box from 1-900-Hookers kept him up all night.
After cussing me out for waking his majesty up, he sat up to eat his bagel and chat with me,and comment that the cream cheese was spicy... then started a barage of hacking and blowing of snot...As I dodged the flinging mucus, I wondered what got him started-no cat in sight, maybe his system was kicking back the sweet potatoes from last night. hmmm
Poor guy, wonder where he got that from, no one in our family has that gene, thank the Lord.
Maybe it was because my mother smoked 2 packs a day all the time while carrying little Joey the hackmeister. Or maybe he is a product of the 5th dwarf in the Snow White story, Sneezy. I think I remember mom going to the circus quite a bit in those days. I wouldnt put it past the mother to have made it with one of the little people.
He told me his back always hurts-evidently, his mattress at home is worn and tattered and hangs lower than my boobs.
Geeze Joe, you might do better sleeping in your car.

We drove around my townage for a while, so I could show him the neighborhood. Joe commented how every fucking place-be it a group of condos, a gas station or the Chabad house, looked as though someone liked a photo of a structure they saw and decided to make every damn bldg look like that one. Yeah, hes right
Im turning Stepford

Sorry, Joe, forgot your dozen bagels. Guess you'll have to venture to Western or Brueggers - that is if you arent allergic

Thanksgiving in Korea

No Im not making this up..These are some excerpts taken from a book my brother and I are writing about our "wonder years"
What a treat you are about to experience...get out the Cracker Jack
The stories you are about to read are true the names have NOT been changed cause fuck protecting anyone-there is nobody who is innocent

Psycho Mom

1963 (Merijoe)
As I lay on the enormous couch, pretending to be taking my nap, I hear many voices in the apartment. I recognize one of the voices as my mommy's. I felt the voices gather around me and watch... then I heard one of them say, "Edith,how long are you going to let her suck on that pacifier, I mean after all, she is 3 years old." defensively mommy replies "I have been trying to take it away for a while" I suck harder as I felt a hand attempt to pry the comforting rubber ring out of my mouth. My eyes were still shut tight as I fought with the fingers that dared to take away my little piece of security. I fought valiantly but I was no match for suction, it got the better of me. It was at that moment I cautiously opened my eyes so that no one would know I was awake. I watched my mommy as she foolishly thought she was hiding the pacifer from me.
That was the day I realized my mother was not to be trusted.

1977-1981(my brother, Joe)
They say boys develop a little slower than girls. My first memory of my mother being a selfish bitch never to be trusted didnt happen until I was 5 years old.
Kenny, my neighbor, sat with me in our decked out 70's style kitchen for dinner. When I made a comment about the food I did not expect wat hailstorm would follow.
I said nothing out of the ordinary, and certainly not something a 40 year old woman couldnt defend herself against. No. She hauled off and yanked me by my now defunct mane, and dragged me off my chair on to the floor. If that was not enough, she threw me out of the house and locked the door.
Hey, everybody makes mistakes in the kitchen, all you have to do with a 5 year old child is explain common coutesy,right and wrong, etc with words.
In fact, there were so many of these incidents, atomic mental explosions, as I know them as,they almost seemed normal.
I was shocked none of my friend's parents never had these meltdowns when they walked out of their parents sight for 5 minutes
One of these events in particular that I always remember is the time when I was 11, dad (with his permed hair) and mom brought me to a Dodger baseball game with my friend J.J.
They were playing the Braves. Dad knew someone who knew Steve Bedrosian-a pitcher for the Braves. Being normal boys of 11, J.J. and I decided to wander around the park and as we did, we hear a wailing coming from 3 isles down- My mother was screaming like she just saw the ghost of Gibralter.
J.J and I hurried back to our seats and mom grabbed my now defunct mane and screamed some more and so loud that I decided to remain shy until my mid 20's

1977-78 (Merijoe is married)
Will the REAL mommy dearest please stand up. What a mentally challenged individual this woman was and still is...
I get married in Texas so what does weirdo do? she calls up the Texas hall of records to inquire if I had gotten married and when (I guess she wanted to see if I was lying-heavens, I might just be living with the guy) Well, evidently they didnt have privacy laws back then or maybe this is public information, cause they gave her the info she wanted..I forgot how I found out that she called to inquire, I think my brother told me.
Anyway, even 1400 miles away she terrorized.
She was in one of her manic cycles and felt I HAD to go to the dentist and insisted I go and told me she would pay for the bill- generous of her, Huh? Young and stupid as I was, I bit the bait. Not realizing that she was just waiting for an excuse to unleash her verbal attack on a stupid family member so she could feel better.
I submitted the dental bill to her and she calls me on the phone from california and curses me out for doing this. She yelled at me like I just stuck her hand down the garbage disposal.

Brother Joe speaks-
I became shell shocked after listening to this woman. I can remember endless nights sitting in my room wishing all the yelling would end. Dad would say such lovely gems to me like "Dont ever get married" Once in a while he would vary this dadism a little was to state that if I do marry, make sure shes rich.
No marriage for me. My parents showed me that staying together for the child is the worst mistake in the history of earth.

My bro told me a hilarious one tonight that I have to blog about.
Since he is so attached to our parents and lives close to them he will sometimes get a little too enibrated to drive home so he camps out at their abode and sacks out on their couch for the night.
Well around 3am, just when my brother is fucking Pamela Anderson and KD Lang at the same time in his dreams, he suddenly awakes to the sound of my mother trying to quitely "tiptoe" downstairs and raid the fridge- he reports that all he hears for a good long while is the mother ascending down the 20 or so steps of the staircase- one foot at a time, like Frankenstein- CLUNK, (two minutes later), CLUNK, (3 minutes later), CLUNK, (one minute later) CLUNK,CLUNK... Finally, 10 minutes later, she reaches the bottom of the staircase only to flick on a flood of lights that stores use to announce a big sale they are having, this has happened more than once as my bro can tell you the exactly the route she takes and the sounds she makes.
At least she doesnt rip out a big fart in the night.I think. Old people.

Sorry, not in the best of moods. This has been a bad,challenging week and a half. Like I said in previous posts..no one gives a SHIT about your problems period-dont ever expect any help from anyone-Its very important to become independant for this reason.
Anyway,I dont feel like writing much, so here are some pics to look at that are kind of fun:


I hope he didn't have to buy
her a new dishwasher.







Mason received this in a Mexican restaurant.

It offended his sense of Latino Pride.
















Dammit, they never let you eat the good stuff

You men wont get this but the women will, especially if you get the paws done at the salon every so often
I have a new place of residence and therefore, it was imparitive that I find a nail salon that does decent work-and quick, my nails looked like shit. Well, I dug one up out of the phone book-it was on my way home from work-I went for it. The "More Nail" salon-could you guess, Vietnamese? (note the name of it-More nail,just one nail I guess)
Well, as I sat down at the station and the vietnamese girl started working on my nails, it occurred to me, what artists they have to be. The acyrlic has to be perfect or it will look sloppy,each of the nails are always filed to the same height,the color is laid on perfect. One hour later, my hands would have made a jewish american princess jealous. Beautiful. A girl has to keep these up every 2 weeks to maintain the beauty however. No problem.
I love going into these places, the chick who works on you mumbles something incoherently and quietly under her breath and just when you are about to ask her to repeat herself, the lady in the next booth answers! Hey, she actually heard and understood her! These are special people.

I now live close to a retirement community known as "Leisure World" a gated community-where the gate guard is an old woman who is at least 70 and proudly wears her security uniform. I would defintily feel safe with this old bat guarding my gate against terrorists. You'll have to get by her first.
The nearby diners are just full of walkers and canes. Well maybe I can make a freind or two now.



My friend called me today, he went to New Orleans last wednesday, rented a truck and loaded it with all his stuff that was salvagable from the apartment. So, HA HA fucking stalker-there is no more underwear for you to steal. Stalker also stole some financial papers and transferred money to himself to the tune of $2,000.00

Friend wanted to know if I had bought any furniture yet. If not, he was wondering if I wouldnt mind stashing some of his furniture in my empty place-I would have furniture and he could use my space instead of renting some. I thought this might actually be a rather good idea for poor schlimeils like me and him-we both benefit
Told him I bought a sofa (which I havent paid all of yet),a computer desk and a couple of end tables that I use as extra storage (couldnt resist these for 5 bucks each at a garage sale)Oh yeah,and a MONITOR. He has bookcases and a coffee table and end tables and a computer chair, and a dining room set-yes I am the furniture monster today.

He should be back to Orange County on thursday