Step around the poop, if you can

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying
"booya".

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only
a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
not had
to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till."
After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris
can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she
was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Fuck was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

The New Orleans City Council has issued the attached map for planning and rebuilding guidance purposes only.

I went to a new Optometrist the other day-Dr Rov-I was given her name by another eye center
So I get to her fancy office in a fancy,rich town in Orange County about 4pm and sat in her waiting room. Soon the waiting room was overtaken with tons of kids -I presumed, all of them had some sort of a form of A.D.D.
I looked around desperately for another mature person and except for the rich mom who was waiting for one of her precious,spoiled rugrats to come out of the exam room and was reading the latest People,oblivious to the other kids who were walking on the walls, I was the only adult in the damn room.
Then out comes my doctor into the waiting room, I guess she had about 7 or 8 valium that day or had just come from a trip to Disneyland, cause as she introduced herself to me in the midst of all that screaming and asked me if I needed anymore "entertainment" that day.
As I walked with my new Optometrist,who was approximately in her mid to late 50's and had a voice like Minnie Mouse, I noticed one of her eyes pointed up to the sky- I swear she looked exactly like Marty Feldman (remember Young Frankenstein?) and she obviously deals with kids alot cause she talked to me like she was going to point her magic wand and spread fairy dust on my head. Her outfit matched exactly to the color scheme of the office
I noticed each and everyone of the other members of her staff wore their hair down and perfectly coiffed,it looked like someone comes to the office daily to wash and style everyone-no hair was out of place.
As Dr Wandering Eye Feldman examined my eyes she wanted to divert me so she told me,"just watch the movie" (it was a freaking cartoon)

And for all you who are thinking about doing Lasix surgery, Dr Marty Feldman says to hold out for 5 or 6 years as something better and reversable is coming down the scientific pike. She isnt so hot about referring people for Lasix because your eye is cut and she predicts many cases of Glaucoma in the future because of the Lasix procedure.

That's raw (hide) talent

(some Jeff Foxworthy quotes to help you thru your day)







Property downwind of your home is virtually worthless.

Your Christmas ornaments are made out of spent shot-gun shells.

Your spring cleaning consists of detonating bug bombs

You've ever had to shoot the lock off your own front door.

The local tattoo parlor runs specials on your sister's name.

The last time you test drove a car it ended in a police chase.

Your dog was neutered by court order.

The best photo of you has a height chart as a backdrop

The only time you moved was under a witness protection program.

It's impossible to reach your trailer without getting your feet wet.

All you get on your TV is the sound.

You were the inspiration for prescription strength Bean-O.

You put Alka-Seltzer in cheap wine to get "champagne."

You've unstopped a sink without a shotgun.

Pledge of Allegiance by John McCain
In light of the recent appeals court ruling in California, with respect
to the Pledge of Allegiance, the following recollection from Senator John
McCain is very appropriate:


"The Pledge of Allegiance"
by Senator John McCain
As you may know, I spent five and one half years as a prisoner of war during
the Vietnam War. In the early years of our imprisonment, the NVA kept us in
solitary confinement or two or three to a cell. In 1971 the NVA moved us
from these conditions of isolation into large rooms with as many as 30 to 40
men to a room.

This was, as you can imagine, a wonderful change and was a direct result of
the efforts of millions of Americans on behalf of a few hundred POWs 10,000
miles from home.

One of the men who moved into my room was a young man named Mike Christian.
Mike came from a small town near Selma, Alabama. He didn't wear a pair of
shoes until he was 13 years old.

At 17, he enlisted in the US Navy. He later earned a commission by going to
Officer Training School. Then he became a Naval Flight Officer and was shot
down and captured in 1967. Mike had a keen and deep appreciation of the
opportunities this country and our military provided for him and others like
him.

As part of the change in treatment, the Vietnamese allowed some prisoners to
receive packages from home In some of these packages were handkerchiefs,
scarves and other items of clothing.

Mike got himself a bamboo needle. Over a period of a couple of months, he
created an American flag and sewed it on the inside of his shirt.

Every afternoon, before we had a bowl of soup, we would hang Mike's shirt on
the wall of the cell and say the Pledge of Allegiance.

I know the Pledge of Allegiance may not seem the most important part of our
day now, but I can assure you that in that stark cell it was indeed the most
important and meaningful event.

One day the Vietnamese searched our cell, as they did periodically, and
discovered Mike's shirt with the flag sewed inside and removed it.

That evening they returned, opened the door of the cell, and for the benefit
of all of us, beat Mike Christian severely for the next couple of hours.
Then, they opened the door of the cell and threw him in. We cleaned him up
as well as we could..

The cell in which we lived had a concrete slab in the middle on which we
slept. Four naked light bulbs hung in each corner of the room.

As I said, we tried to clean up Mike as well as we could. After the
excitement died down, I looked in the corner of the room, and sitting there
beneath that dim light bulb with a piece of red cloth, another shirt and his
bamboo needle, was my friend, Mike Christian. He was sitting there with his
eyes almost shut from the beating he had received, making another American
flag. He was not making the flag because it made Mike Christian feel better.
He was making that flag because he knew how important it was to us to be
able to pledge our allegiance to our flag and country.

So the next time you say the Pledge of Allegiance, you must never forget the
sacrifice and courage that thousands of Americans have made to build our
nation and promote freedom around the world.

You must remember our duty, our honor, and our country.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the
republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with
liberty and justice for all."

I went to Ralphs near my apartment to get a few things,as I began to unload my basket, a man in front of me said to me "oh shes closed", "Okay" I said as I gathered the few items that I already placed on the conveyor belt. Then he says "Im soo kidding" he looks at me and says "what an ass-hole, huh?" with a huge grin on his pun-um (Yiddish for face)
I just looked at him harshly for a minute not really knowing what to say and not really enjoying being the butt of a joke, he looked at me kind of sheepishly, not knowing what I was about to spew forth at him, the clerk was looking at me to expecting some violent drama to unfold...
I had to say something I thought, so I just sarcastically replied to him "you just like to see the look on people's faces when you do that" Everybody errupted in laughter- dont ever mess with the unknown, repressed comedi-an please

I finally had my annual eval, the boss was very kind and had kind words for me and Im getting a raise and, well, it was all good. Not used to kindness, how weird it seemed!

I was happy and wanted to share my news and all the good things that were unexpectedly told to me, then I realized, I dont really have anyone to share things with.. "well, I thought, maybe my man-friend will be a good one to speak to-I might get an attagirl" Response- Lukewarm. Better than nothing I guess.

Now, Im not a big drama queen, but, I was excited and really wanted to elaborate more than usual, I dont often get a chance to talk much, but, once again, I was rushed off the phone and there was no date made so I could continue to celebrate my happiness with a person I care about.

Sometimes life is so lonely.

So, here it is friday, and Im in the house, alone, eating popcorn, and watching Comedy Central, while manfriend is at a "seminar" with a massage therapist probably by the name of "Juicebox"- who Im sure will be thirsty afterwards.

Congratulations to me

ewwww. saw a huge ugly bug today, right outside my apartment, near my garage, something like this, only bigger, uglier and scarier. I wasnt sure what the hell it was, looked like a spider, but noticed it had pincers,a long,striped body no wings, and yccccch, it was moving one of its 8 legs in a shuddering movement
Im going to vomit

Then later- Something started baying and howling at the moon about 6 times. The cat started growling and looking out the window. I just hid under the covers

between getting high or eating alot of comfort foods. Oh yeah, by myself, of course.

If you want to play a macab game for 2006 then go to www.johnandken.com and play the ghoul pool. In a nutshell you pick 3 famous people who you think are going to cash it in this year. The healthier and younger they are when they kick the bucket the more points you get. Nice game. Hurry- you only have until January 7 to enter.
Read the rules they have posted. This game is for all you angry people

Man repeatedly calls 911 to have cat arrested

Exploding Cigar
Posted Sunday, December 14th, 2003 at 3:15 pm.

"A Texas man called 911 and demanded police arrest his cat but wound up behind bars himself when cops discovered pot seeds at his home. The cat’s whereabouts have not been determined"


Seal bites off woman’s nose


December 28th, 2005
Posted in Weird News

A seal bit off a South African woman’s nose Monday as she was attempting to help the animal back into the sea. The woman’s nose was found but surgeons were unable to reattach it.

Went to the big-1st annual-mind you, New Years Eve party(the Orange Drop 2006) with my "manfriend". It was at the Orange County fairgrounds and featured a bunch of 80's groups like Berlin-the lead singer is still one hot mamma, but less the safety pins these days.She still has platinum blond hair on the top and brown hair underneath, she is petite-obviously has a trainer as she is in great ass shape for her age-I swear she doesnt look much older than the heyday of Berlin. Rest of the group still looks punkish and youthful. They sounded great. All those songs of yesteryear...
Lets see, also there was, English Beat,Sugar Ray,Bow Wow Wow,Psychedelic furs (I missed Joan Jett, but she and the group were there also) and more.
One enibriated chick got on stage with English Beat and started dancing, the security guard almost ripped her arm off as he yanked her off the stage, and I kid you not, 2 minutes later, here she comes again on stage.
Looking like a keystone cop, the security guy chased her around the stage and finally grabbed her around the waist and hauled her ass off.
There were funny looking hats everywhere,very crowded park, but you could move around pretty easy, the people were very nice and friendly.

The count down was neat. There was a giant orange hiked up in the sky which was dropped at midnight, lasers lit up the sky above my head, people tossed around dozens of beach balls to the crowd,confetti(long strips of paper) floated down from above me-some landing in my hair. And, I got my first new years eve kiss since 1984, whoo hoo to that! Wasnt Reagan in office then? hurrumpph.

Meanwhile, while I was having a great time, my assistant's (from work)22 year old son had been shot in the head as he walked to his house 1 block away.(my supervisor called to tell me today)
No, he wasnt in a gang. Just visiting a girl who had recently cut a guy off on the fwy accidently, the roach got angry with her and she flipped him off. She thinks it was him coming to shoot her.

Happy new years