Step around the poop, if you can

Ever wonder what a racoon sounds like.
I cant get used to the critters roaming free like Im in a clip of Wild Kingdom.

5am the other morning-while it was still dark outside, I hear "EE-EE-EE" real damn loud-sounded like it was right under my fucking window (it was)
One of my cats kept looking out the window and was going crazy

So, I looked out the window. I saw a big fat (must have been about 60 pounds)racoon along with its baby (about 20 pounds) waddling around the bushes outside near the dumpster. I have never seen a racoon that close, so I observed alittle.
"Doy-Dee-Doy" they seemed to be whisling as they scampered kind of slowly because they were fat-they hopped/waddled kind of like you see bears or rabbits do. Anyway the smaller one (ha)was soo damn cute as it went under the legs of the parent to hide or feel comfortable or something

Then I hear multiple EE-EE-EE screams coming from inside the dumpster as papers and stuff were flying in the air

Yum, nothing tastier on a hot day like this, than a used kotex washed down with 3 day old gangrenous french fries
This yelling went on until the automatic sprinklers went on-around 5:30

Show was over, until I turned around to walk into the living room and felt the sticky, invisible hairlike fibers of a cobweb grabbing my face and arms.
As I did the Orangatang Spaz Dance at 5:30 in the morning IN my apartment, I wondered what was waiting for me outside


Biology:
Skunk and raccoon have large canine teeth.
Nocturnal
Females raise young alone
Omnivores-
(An omnivore is a kind of animal that eats either other animals or plants. Some omnivores will hunt and eat their food, like carnivores, eating herbivores and other omnivores. Some others are scavengers and will eat dead matter. Many will eat eggs from other animals)

Damage
Raccoons will kill poultry; eats sweet corn, other garden & truck crops, pet foods, pets; rolls-up turf sod; damages shingles, fascia boards

Dear CATS: You make it impossible to love you!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have owned cats my entire life, but you two are in a class all your own. I adopted you and so I will never abandon you, but why must you make it so hard for me to enjoy your existence?

Cat #1. Fatty McRetard.
You came to me as a three week old sick kitten found under a staircase. My vet friend brought you to me, knowing that I wouldn't say no. and so you were mine. But now that you are an adult, you have confirmed what we always suspected. You're an inbred cat mutant.

You have an excessive shedding problem. I can't touch you without getting covered in hair and my apartment is a dustball despite the daily use of the vacuum. You teeth fell out at 6 months and now I have to make a wet food/egg/rice slop for you to gum twice a day. But since you're not unlike the heffers you see plowing through their value meals at McDonalds, you eat so fast that you puke up your meal and then enjoy it for a second time.

Your ass glands leak! All the time! I have to wipe your ass with a kitty baby wipe three times a day which of course you hate so I constantly walk around with scratches on my arms. Your ass glands also tend to leave a signature wherever you sit.

You follow me everywhere! EVERYWHERE. Give a girl some space.

You're kind of stupid. You still haven't leaned what glass is and it's horrible to watch ypou fly across the apartment to the window trying to get the pigoen that's perched on the firescape just to smack into the glass. It HAS to hurt! Stop it! There's glass there! And please stop trying to drink out of the toilet. You can't support your massive weight and you always FALL IN and then tear ass around the apartment soaked in toilet water. Not cool.

So to sum up: you are obese, leaky ass glands, toothless, shed 100% of the time, and clingy beyond comprehension.

Cat #2 Coward McHidey

You were a tiny kitten being chased by a coyote. I just happened to witness this and saved you while visiting my folks upstate. My reward for saving your life? You.

You hide. That's all you do. It's been 6 years. Don't you trust me yet? But whatever, to each his own. Just may I ask you to NOT hide in my drawers? Yes, I will marvel at the fact that you possess the skills to open drawers in the first place, but when my nice neat clean clothes become covered in your hair, it's not OK.

You are the fussiest eater I have ever seen. Just be grateful that I can afford to buy you the good food or you'd be chomping on Friskies. But are you grateful? No. You turn your nose up to everything and then SCREAM for hours on end like you are being starved. You are given dry food, wet food, bits of fresh chicken, and even rice...I DON'T EAT THAT WELL!!! Shut up and stop being so picky. And oh yeah, you owe me $150 because I dragged you to the vet just to have him tell me that the reason you don't eat much is because you're picky.

Take a cue from my fiance. You can't ignore me all the time and then just decide you want some lovin and expect to get it. Please cease hopping on my head when I am sound asleep in the middle of the night purring like crazy. This is not the time for petting and belly rubbing. This is the time to sleep. Do you ever come to me for some love and attention when I am awake? No. Not once. If you decide you would like some attention during the hours I am awake, then I'm game! Come on over! But no more pouncing on my head expecting a belly rub a 3:30 AM.

To both of you:

I'm glad you get along so well. I know you love each other. But we need to end the play fighting. I know you enjoy pouncing on each other but could you keep the noise to a minimum? MEEEEEEEeeOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRROOWWWWWWWWW is not a soothing sound. Kindly play with your indoor voices! And Fatty? please don't lick Coward ...like that. It's gross. Like, really gross.

I understand that sometimes you guys don't feel well. It happens to all of us. You know I will always get you medicine and make you better. But PLEASE do your best to not puke, cough up hairballs, pee, or get the runs ON MY BED! There is a whole apartment with easily cleaned surfaces for that. But no. Each and every time you guys get sick it's on the fucking bed! I have bought 4 mattresses in 6 years! Enough is enough.

Just try your best to not be so annoying! I know we can make this relationship work.

Today's news:
Lance Bass, former member of boy band 'N Sync, reveals he's gay in the upcoming Friday, July 28, 2006 issue of People magazine.

Hershey’s has come out with multiple new flavors in the U.S. - Extra Creamy, Coffee, White Chocolate, Orange Creme, and Mint.
In Japan, Kit Kat is made by Nestle and now also comes in Noir, Wine, Strawberry, and White Maple Syrup.
The reviews for Strawberry and White Maple Syrup are coming next week. For an amazing full list of Kit Kat flavors (with pictures), check out the Wikipedia Kit Kat page.

The Reviews (not merijoe's):




Noir: Both the Noir and Wine flavors come in small boxes containing 16 mini Kit Kat bars which are so freakin’ cute. The outside of the Noir is covered by a dark, bitter chocolate, there is a nut cream between the wafers, and it is dusted with a rich cocoa powder. The Noir Kit Kat is good…really good. It tastes expensive and decadent - not two words I usually associate with Kit Kat. If you like Kit Kat and dark chocolate, you should love Noir Kit Kat.





Wine: I was expecting to dislike this flavor, but I was pleasantly surprised. It didn’t taste like wine to me. It’s a super-creamy, slightly strawberry-ish flavor that tastes really good. The description of it says it has a distinct wine aftertaste, but I didn’t taste it at all. It was quite good if not a bit sweet - almost too sweet. Definitely worth a try though.

A little extra ditty for you

20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.


3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,
Ask If They Want Fries with that.


4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."


5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.
Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.


6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks,
Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"


7. Finish All Your sentences with
"In Accordance With The Prophecy."


8. Don t use any punctuation


9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.


10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,
with a serious face.


11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."


12. Sing Along At The Opera


13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme


14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play tropical Sounds All Day.


15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends
You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.


16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,
"Rock Bottom".


17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"


18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"


19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."


20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy.

The Bootie Buster
by Love Fifi
Price: $16.00

then have yourself some




Nose Candy of a Sugary Kind

Why couldn't they've had stuff like this when I was a kid?

"Hose Nose" is a new offering from San Diego, CA-based Kandy Kastle. The nose is filled with "Candy Slime". It appears to have elastic straps on the back, as if you're supposed to wear it over your real nose.

The package is marked, "Catch It On Your Tongue", presumbly allowing you to wear a novelty nose that leaks sugary mucus on your mouth. A different kind of nose candy!

Now and then I'll see a two-year old kid with real mucus running out of his/her nose and over their lips. Kandy Kastle would like us to never grow up.

Croton

I bought one last week from a nursery in Laguna. Im not too good with plants so I told the person helping me to point me to something that doesnt need much attention or watering, cause Im baaaaad with plantlife
The girl advised me to get something called a "croton" plant cause its "impossible" to kill them you really have to be a retarded ferret to kill these. Yada Yada or whatever she said.

"Okay" I bought the Croton cause it was cheaper than her other option for me "mother in law tongue"-I promptly placed beautiful green Bertha on her new spot on the balcony outside

I was excited that I get to nurture something, especially encouraging to me was the knowledge that I could practically go to Japan for 3 weeks,forget about it and it would just spit back at me and keep growing

Well I just put on my big surprise face when I went outside last night to find Bertha all dried up and folded inside itself.
Hey, I just watered it 2 weeks ago damn it. I should be able to go 6 months
You think the fact that it was as hot as it is on Mars had anything to do with it?

I brought it inside the house and turned on the faucet-hopefully it will come back to life like a good Croton should

OMG.
I am now a member of LA Fitness.
This is the first time I have joined a big co-ed, any age can join type of gym like this before-I have joined smaller ones in the past but not big ones like this-Good news! except,
you know the mission of this blog- "ordinary,everyday shit that amuses me" ot oh, anyone is a target
I am such a retard, but really funny shit is seen at gyms, plus you get a workout-
I know, the gym is serious to some. Just roll your eyes and know, this is retarded Merijoe-just being stupid once again.
I started Aqua Aerobics class-I love swimming, I need exercise and I hate to sweat-good combo for the aqua aerobics classes! I was excited.
There are about 25 people in there (mostly women)ages 55-80, I guess there is one or two about 40 but mainly its owned by the AARP members who are trying to get their freak on. Or just heal from that total knee replacement surgery
Anyway the instuctor wanted us to lie on our backs (in the water of course) and spread our legs far apart to work out the inner thighs.
Well it was very apparent to me who was getting some and who wasnt
Many of the women couldnt crack their legs open far enough to stick a dime in between and you could see the moths fly out of their couchys-I guess the legs havent been opened since Reagan was president.
Yikes that was scary, but what was more scary was going into the dressing room after class and seeing
one of my classmates completely neck-ed with her flat teats hanging to her waist and pockets of cellulite everywhere. Looking at her, I felt like a hot babe.
I ran to my locker to hurry to get dressed so I could leave
I know,one day I will be her age-but I wont be in a public locker room, dressing, I promise. Im still trying to recover from going blind

A company called New Management Inc. recently announced a new pair of sandals called "ArchPort", that contains a storage compartment inside the sole.

The compartment carries a wallet-insert large enough for money, keys, and credit cards. Slide the wallet into back into the sole, and secure it with the Velcro cover.

Both left and right sandals have a compartment, and the sandals come in different colors. The company also has an athletic shoe based on the same idea.

$44.95 plus $8.95 for S/H

Dear Pigeons Eating Puke on the Sidewalk:

"OK, look, I've seen some pretty nasty stuff. I'm not a queasy person.

But as I'm strolling to work this morning I accidentally look to my right to see a big puddle of puke and you two bastards hopping around in it like two fatties at an all you can eat buffet.

It took me a moment to register what I was looking at. And I wish, I WISH, I could go back in time and erase the details my brain unfortunately absorbed.

This was nasty, nasty puke. And fresh. Food bits undigested. I noted some peas and carrots in there. But it was not only food. There was an oatmeal like ooze that the bits were floating in. And with this heat, no odor escapes a passerby.

As if the puke weren't enough to turn my stomach, you motherfucking pigeons sealed the deal. In the 4 brief seconds I happened to look at you I witnessed you pick out the pukey food bits and ingest them with imcomparable eagerness.

Then it happened. The horror of what I just saw registered. The smell of it registered. Mouth watered. Ears tingled. Throat clenched.

I fucking puked on the street! In front of people! At 8:30 in the morning. ON myself!

Do you know how humiliating that is???? I'm at work with fucking puke on me because when you suddenly projectile vommit on the street you don't think to aim! I had to lie about taking a taxi and getting motion sickness. And let me tell you pigeons something. YOU are going to pay the dry cleaning bill to get the stomach acid and latte off of my silk blouse!

Oh, and stay the hell out of MY puke!

Rotten birds."

Also,for all you folks, here is some info regarding the Mercury retrograde period we are in from an astrologer:
During this time,(and two weeks before, and two weeks after) you will notice computer problems, car problems, anything to do with communication-not the best time for this. Also,people from the past come back but dont communicate well at this time.


Mercury is going retrograde during the early part of July until around July 25th. We are currently in that prodromal stage where things begin to get sluggish and we feel that inner irritability of nothing progressing fast enough, we are waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and Murphy's law to hit with a vengence.

It's not the best time for taking trips, meeting new potential lovers, signing contracts, accepting new jobs.

It's a time to reflect and take stock of what works for us and what doesn't. It's a time to focus on ourselves, where we can make things better within ourselves. It can be an exceptionally self centered time, if we are not careful.
As the planet of communication goes backwards, we become less attentive and focused on those near and dear to us and more concerned with "what's in it for me" attitude. This can be very healthy. It can also play havoc with our relationships. Old lovers can turn up on our doorstep, ring our phone, send us e-mails.
This is what we have been hoping for, no? But, with the planetary influences being what they are, we are inclined to take them down a few pegs, let them know just where they fell short, and assert our "rights". DON'T DO IT!

Just as we are feeling emotionally vulnerable, and needing to defend our boundaries and our needs, the same holds true for our loved ones. So you see, nothing can get accomplished fast. In fact, things can take a very dicey, and unpleasant turn.

It is very easy to avoid this pitfall. Remember, we all want love, we all want validation, we all want to feel we are being heard and understood. A gentle, compassionate approach works wonders now. Yes, it might be time to state our position with our significant other. But do it with kindness. If the other person feels understood, and respected and chances are we will receive far more than we hoped.

When we truly love, there is no ego. There are only hearts reaching out, trying to understand. Each Mercury retrograde gives us the opportunity to peel back another layer of ego, so that we can radiated our highest selves. Our love is never wasted. What we desire is already ours in the Eternal Now. If we can hold on to this awareness, we can come through this time with greater understanding and a deeper sense of love and commitment. In addition, the ones we hold so dear will come through with a greater awareness of who we are, and what it is we are offering.











AdSense

Even Craigslist has a sense of humor, they have a department that contains their best of.. these were previously placed ads and they are soo fucking funny. Here's one I found this evening that was written by a girl from New York a few weeks ago that cracked me up silly:


WANTED
A boyfriend...or someone to kill a cockroach.

"Don't get me wrong. Casual dating is great right now. It is SPRING. And fortunately, I have a few chill friends I can do the drunk/sex/brunch thing with and happily not see for a few weeks while meeting new people stress-free. So I'm all set for now, right?

Wrong. Very, very wrong. Relaxing in my apartment a couple nights back and look up to spot what I can only assume is a mouse - which I can totally handle, heck even co-habitate with. And what else could be an inch and a half long and at least an inch tall with visable legs?

I'll tell you what: The LARGEST FUCKING COCKROACH I have ever seen in my entire life.

And trust...this is New York City...we have all seen/killed a lot of roaches. I tried to catch it under a bowl but only nipped it mid-section. I thought it was dead (ha!) but, when I moved the bowl it bolted under my very low-to-the-ground-crammed-with-random-crap bed.

UNDER MY FUCKING BED. GREAT.

I thought I was going to have to stay with friends. I thought I was going to have to fucking move out. But then it emerged. It was so god damn big I HEARD it scuttle out and caught it. (Yes, I screamed like a little girl.)

Good, right? So now what? I have a mouse-sized cockroach under a pyrex salad bowl in the middle of my studio floor and we are on day three. I can't ask a booty-call to handle this...totally not part of the job description. I called a male friend to help and he told me to let it starve. Starve?!? It's a fucking roach, a monster roach, a 900 year-old SUPER ROACH. This is not something you can squish with a paper towel. I don't even think you could step on it...ugh. In fact, I'm a little worried it might lift the bowl while I'm at work.

This bitch needs to be slammed with a rubber mallet.

So...for the first time in a year I totally miss having a boyfriend. Fuck the drama, late-night jealous "where are you" calls, and panic attacks my last one gave me. I need a dude willing to drop everything to come over and kill that fucking roach.

For that matter, I also need a boyfriend to fix an electrical outlet on an old lamp, and fine-tune a stereo problem I am having. Crap, this sucks."