Step around the poop, if you can

Black cats wont hurt you-just because they're black, I have been hurt by people of that color but never a four legged animal of that color

Ghost Whisperer (CBS)

Are you a fan of big tits? You're in luck, because they're making a comeback on the channel that old people watch before going to bed at 6pm! Jennifer Love Hewitt's enormous bouncing breasts star as Melinda Gordon's enormous psychic breasts, which investigate ghost-crime and can see dead people. The scariest show you'll probably masturbate to since that fucked-up thriller you saw at 4am on Showtime once.



Prison Break (Fox)

A structural engineer attempts to "break" his brother out of "prison", who is on death row for a murder... wait for it... he didn’t commit. Our hero's cunning plan? Rob a bank and hope he gets locked up in the same prison he coincidentally built, where his brother's coincidentally being held. Then tattoo the schematics over his entire body. Then pray that he meets fifteen random people in jail with precisely the tools and services he requires to put his plan into action. Then wait for lightning to strike the same spot twice, so he and his brother can climb up the lightning to safety.

After that it gets a little unbelievable.

Expect a season's worth of OZ-like prison hijinx to occur, minus the swearing and ass-raping we’ve come to expect and love from HBO, but with the usual amount of ass-gaping plot holes you’d expect from FOX.



Commander in Chief (ABC)

Geena Davis (Thelma & Louise) stars as the Vice President of the United States who, thanks to a magical genie, becomes the President. The catch? She's a GIRL! Expect Geena Davis (Stuart Little) to struggle with both politics and her vagina during this stirring new drama. Issues will be dealt with. Struggles overcome. Geena Davis (Cutthroat Island) will go home and polish her Academy Award with her tears. And possibly her vagina.



Survivor: Guatemala (CBS)

CBS does their part for third world debt by bringing their hit production to the sphincter of Central America, Guatemala. The film crew's garbage alone replaced goats as the national currency, but other then that, the show's pretty much the same: Twenty attractive, half-naked men and women and two old, unattractive lunatics running around in the mud.

Special Bonus Drinking Game: Take a shot whenever someone says "I'm not here to make friends," "I'm playing the game" or "integrity." Make sure to call poison control beforehand to let them know you'll be along shortly.

Three Wishes (NBC)

NBC continues their demi-celebrity hard-on by sending singer Amy Grant to “grant” wishes (their wording, not ours) to the deserving, leading a team of experts to a small town to help make dreams come true. The Three Wishes website makes it sound like Grant will be shooting solid beams of faith and hope out of her hands onto the grateful masses. However, keeping in mind that the “team” she’ll be working with consists of a carpenter, a general contractor and an architect, Three Wishes will most likely cater to those members of the deserving who wish exclusively for inexpensive home makeovers.

“What’s your first wish?” “A new kidney!” “Are your second and third wishes a brand new kitchen and bathroom?”



Invasion (CBS)

Following a hurricane, our hero finds his missing ex-wife naked, with no memory of where she's been. Naturally, all clues point to aliens being the culprit, our hero choosing to ignore the fact that she was seen at T.G.I. Friday's the night before letting Shriners do bodyshots out of her cleavage.

Seriously dude, she's a whore. Get over her. Everybody took a ride on that train, man. Even if she WAS abducted by aliens, she probably blew them for a ride home.



How I met your mother (CBS)

Doogie Howser and the redheaded chick from Buffy who shoved a flute up her cooter make up two-thirtieths of an ensemble cast you otherwise won't recognize. The premise in a nutshell: Think Friends, except with more humping, more Doogie Howser, and more getting cancelled after five shows.

Howser, who hasn’t worked since his role as a whore-loving cokehead in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, will most likely welcome the relative dignity of dropping his pants and yelling a catchphrase ("That's not my sammich!") to the sound of a laughtrack.



My name is Earl (NBC)

Jason Lee was awesome in Almost Famous, and his 10,000 roles to date in Kevin Smith's films are always good for a laugh. But as a “bully and low-rent con who wins the lottery and decides to change his life by making amends to all the people he’s wronged”? Yikes. NBC put it best on the press release: “Earl (Jason Lee) has taken one too many wrong turns on the highway of life.” Just remove the “Earl” from that sentence and you've pretty much nailed it.


Returning...

60 Minutes (CBS)
The farm out in the country where network journalists go before they die.


The OC (FOX)
OMG!!! I r33ally hope Seth and Summer get back 2gether!!11! Ry-N iz 2222 QT!!!
All this, and I think the skinny chick is still a lesbian. Sweet.


America's Funniest Home Videos (ABC)
Because humanity’s fascination with cats falling off television sets and men getting hit in the balls will never cease.


American Idol (FOX)
Another year, another stock montage of deluded gangly teens singing badly, followed by several weeks of slightly less gangly teens being told they’re dawgs while Paula Abdul offers heartfelt rimjobs of encouragement. Also, metrosexual hosts and faux-cutting Brit wit. It's like a party in your pants, and only squirrels are invited.


CSI/CSI: Miami/CSI: NY/NCIS/Cold Case/Criminal Minds (CBS)
Considering the average age of a CBS viewer, it's a little creepy to think about how interested people who're about twenty minutes to dying are in shows about what happens to them after they do. Maybe they want to see if the bodybags look comfortable.


24 (FOX)
DAMMIT! Jack Bauer's running out of TIME! Again! DAMMIT!


Maybe world famous hotel Nikki Hilton heiress would like to "pick" her favorite out.

Went to IKEA saw many many wonderful items-I even saw a computer desk that I liked and wanted, only problem was that IKEA is self serve-they do not deliver stuff. The box was huge and heavy,my dilima, even if I got someone to heave that heavy big box into my car, I couldnt drag it into my second story apt if my life depended on it, unless I suddenly morphed into Arnold Schwartznegger.
All you women who have husbands,boyfriends,strong older boys,brothers,friends,relatives who will help you- never,never take that for granted.

I'm more of a do-it-yourself-er!





So I went into Office Depot and found a computer desk that was perfect and on sale, they delivered for free too. I wanted to sign up for a store credit card-since there was no crowd this early in the morning I went up to the cashier, the clueless cashier sent me to the manager, because he didnt know how to sign me up,
the fucking MANAGER (around age 40) didnt know how to sign me up either-nor did any of the other assholes in this store,come on people, this is an OFFICE- FUCKING DEPOT, a huge chain store, not Julio's Office Equipment.
Well, Mr Dumbfuck manager calls a few people to inquire. It was obvious he was calling people he knew because he had his address book out! Stupid moron.
Well, no one he called was home as he only was getting voice mails. So, enough of this shit I thought, and called out to this genius, "Cant you phone someone from another Office Depot to help you?" So he calls another store and they give him the answer in about 2 seconds.
I was in this house of horrors for 45 minutes because I had to wait for this dumb cluck.
The challenges regarding the desk are,
1- it comes unassembled and 2- no saturday deliveries and they dont give a window of time of delivery either, that means I have to take a whole day off work because there will be no one home to accept delivery .
Oh, Home Depot offered me a company that assembles, it will cost me 110 bucks and they will come to assemble it a couple days AFTER delivery and they dont give a window of time either, so, I would have to take another day off work to wait for them to come. I told them to eat me-pricks.
I bought the desk, and will attempt to assemble it myself. Delivery is next Friday

Priority! I was thinking about going to IKEA for this desk and I just happened to run across these here instructions on the internet on how to assemble an IKEA computer desk:



1.1 - Help friends move into new condo. For your hard work, receive gift of IKEA computer desk and microwave they don't need anymore. When desk parts are dropped off at your bachelor apartment, be careful not to ask any questions whatsoever concerning proper assembly and function. Following the move, drink several beers on an empty stomach, say goodbye politely, and take subway home. Pick up more beer.



1.2 - Enjoy several beers. Wait for surge of booze-fueled confidence to flow through you. Realize with sudden clarity that you could snap together that tiny little computer desk right now if you wanted to. Listen to small, nagging voice of reason in the back of your mind. This voice will remind you, in a soothing, reassuring tone, that assembling a large metal desk full of sharp jagged parts while half-potted is unwise.

1.3 - Ignore this voice.












- Remove wads of paper towel from bottom of foot when bleeding has stopped. Clean up the blood stains on floor that lead out the hallway and to the bathroom, where the first aid was. Note ruefully the blood stains going up and over the old desk directly in front of the bathroom door.

5.2 - Curse, if you want to. It will make you feel better. Realize three hours have now passed.

5.3 - Admit temporary defeat. Decide to just check a little email and surf the net a bit, then worry about all this tomorrow. Realize you can't get on your computer until the stupid IKEA computer desk is properly assembled.

5.4 - Decide to just get this whole hellish process over with. Crawl over old computer desk to go to the bathroom. Repeat this many times throughout night, as you get progressively less coordinated.

"Olive juice" (I love you); "elephant shoes" (I love you too)
Well, Im moved in to my new Orange county,califonia place but,I have nothing, no furniture,slowly, Im obtaining stuff, I have a bed and a new monitor. Cox cable internet-whooo hooo

Just bought a new sage color sofa for 450.00 still need storage space, bookcases,wall unit,dining rm, computer desk....I think I broke my neck trying to get boxes up to my second floor apt. shit ouch. head pain. Hey you know what I learned? no one gives a fuck about your problems, plan on helping yerself with everything thru-out life. Dont look for a hand to help.
I dont know if Im going to like the people here...I already got some royal snob treatment from my new community. Rat Bastards. I tried to ask folks a question and
I got terse,stuck up answers-and lots of attitude- the cashier and store help crowd is about ,oh, 16 years old, pimpley faced,smart asses who are less than knowledgeable or helpful. I was in a coffee shop that sells pies and there were 2 ladies in front of me checking out that I thought were going to go to blows over a pie one lady thought should have been hers and not the other womans. Jeeeze, what did I get myself into? I guess if you arent from here, they will make you pay.


I miss LA already, I did however, find a restaurant that caters to the Harley crowd, sawdust on the floor, classic rock, Taco tuesdays-50 cents each, all you can eat spaghetti weds for 2 bucks. Cute guys, even in the morning for breakfast.
I thought I was going to have a monitor for my computer sooner than today, because my "friend" insisted that I not buy one because he would scour EBAY for one with a good price. What I didnt know is that he would find me a monitor when he could fit me in his busy schedule. Hello...so I bought one my self. Like I said, no one gives a shit about your problems. do it yourself.
I have a few things to do and may not get right back to my entries, but it wont be so long in between entries

Finally got a new monitor, I will hook it up tonight or tommorrow - look for new post entries soon, but Im still trying to unpack and sort from the recent move
patience. you know how it is....

merijoe has moved to her new apartment.

i'm confident i will never see this place and right now real quick-like, i would like to tell you ten reasons why.

one
merijoe never cooks for me.

two
merijoe is a cat lover.

three
two words: orange county.

four
gas. so for the first time, a president's greed is preventing me from travelling.

five
cats. the other white meat.

six
i still talk to merijoe's mother.

seven
merijoe's favorite show is the one with the bounty hunter.

eight
merijoe used to LOVE drew carey.

nine
merijoe only hangs around big tippers.

ten
my writing is a total mystery to merijoe. so screw her.

Hey-this is cool, Just like Rosie ODonnell,Johnny Carson

As you know, Merijoe's monitor has been smoking like a giant 1980 style cheech n chong joint. up in smoke. She also happens to work for a bunch of computer nazis who will not allow her to blog on the clock. So, here I am making an entry by popular demand.

Thank you merijoe for letting me be a guest blogger today.

what a joy.

rumour has it she is going to give me a big tip of 40 dollars.

Merijoe is real impressed by the new blogging feature - audio posting - she keeps telling me how helpful this technology will be in assisting all the blind bloggers post entries.

I could not agree more.

She even asked me to price new monitors when I was at Best Buy last week buying a gift for a five year old. even though the monitor isle was one isle over, she's my sister, and I couldn't possibly take time out to help her lazy ass. I was in a time crunch- so deal.

Merijoe is moving to some Orange County city- yuck. Al and Edith didn't raise no OC children merijoe. but whatever. Don't ever tell me where to move and I'll stay out of your shizzle.


Anyway, I keep telling her she's getting more hits than me and she hasn't posted in over a week, so I guess that doesn't say much for my blog ...

So please,Im begging you, come visit me too sometime: Joe Mael

And of course... keep reading this blog.
Hey, anyone who used to have a two foot chrome metal bong in the freezer in the late 70's couldn't be all that bad.

sorry - my computer monitor at home started smoking like a cigarette sunday, I wont be able to enter until I get a new one, Im at work now, see ya then stay cool

My friend M from New Orleans has had a stalker calling his cell phone for about a year now-a gay fuck who is obsessed with M for some sick ass reason that is unknown. Evidently this cockroach saw him in a bar in New Orleans, found out his name and phone number and started his dysfunctional,psychopathic,barrage of pathetic,trailer trash,harrassement by finding out the address,names and birthdates of M's immediate family then calling to tell him of his discovery.
The Hurricane came and M received no further calls-so thinking the stalker had forgotten him and moved on-M finally breathed a sigh of relief

Back in California, M and I went out last night, had a few drinks, and started back to his place around 8 pm-I drove my car and followed him as he drove home.
M called my cell phone and said "Guess who just called me?", I couldnt guess "the stalker" he said
"what?" I replied
"And he told me he has been in my apartment(the one in New Orleans that he had to leave) a couple of times already, He told me he took my gun,a very special photo album of mine, my pillow and some of my underwear"

M was very upset when we finally got to his place. He is feeling really violated and he doesnt know what to do or who to tell, he is especially upset that the fucker stole a precious photo album which was made for him by an elderly lady, who was real special to him

This faggot belongs in jail or a mental institution and I hope he can be caught,M caught a couple of phone numbers on his cell caller ID but who knows if these are his. I doubt it. M did a reverse check on the internet but wasnt successful
I suddenly had a horrible thought, what if Voodoo wasnt rescued in time and he had stolen him?


MENTAL HOSPITAL SWITCHBOARD
Please press hash now to continue, whether it appears on your keypad or not. If you do not have a touch-tone phone, go out and buy one you freak

Please choose one of the following options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 over and over and over again;

If you are multiple personality, touch 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.

If you are hysterical, don't touch any buttons whatsoever, something terrible might happen;

If you are bipolar, touch 1, then 9;

If you are schizophrenic, don't touch any buttons, a little voice will tell you what to do;

If you are paranoid, there is no need to touch any buttons. We know who you are, we know where you live, and we will be coming to get you very soon.

If you are a psychopath, rip the cord out of the wall and run away with the phone;

If you are an anal-retentive psychopath, take the phone apart. Place each piece in a plastic bag. Tape each plastic bag tightly shut. Place all the plastic bags into a large, brown paper bag, which you then place in the southeast corner of your freezer.

If you are depressed, do not touch any buttons. It wouldn't do any good anyway.

If you are manic, touch as many buttons as you can as fast as possible;

If you are narcissist, touch yourself.