Step around the poop, if you can

For those of you who have been keeping up with the Skankarella files, Shea finally has a bit of an update.
For those of you slackers who aren't keepin' up, please refer to "A Real Epidsode of Fear Factor" followed by "Skankarella revenge part 2." THEN you should be up to date.

By Shea White:

The day after the rawhide dog chewy incident, I called in sick because I just didn't feel like dealing with booger bitch upon my arrival.
That, and I actually WAS fetal position sick for the greater portion of the day. I'm gonna go ahead and blame it on the switchboard cootie epidemic, as opposed to the vast amounts of alcohol I consumed the night before.
Fuck 'em though...I NEVER call in sick unless I'm on the verge of death. That day, I thought I was close.

I came back to work on Friday pumped up and ready to hurl a chair Geraldo style right in skanktwat's snotty pen chewing face, should she choose to get mouthy on me. I knew she was pissed, I just didn't know if she could actually yank up enough nut sack to say anything to me.
I came into my office and sat down, patiently waiting for her to finish taking the stream of phone calls that were coming in at the time.
I asked her politely "Are you finished with your work here, or do I need to go somewhere else for a while?"
She said "Oh, I've got all my work on the computer done, because you know how good I am with computers, I got all my computer work done already because I'm so smart and I'm really good on computers."
For fuck's sake....I'm just lookin' for a "yes" or "no" on this one; PLEASE quit flappin' your cock holster.
Then it continued. "And by the way, I didn't really appreciate the rawhide chews in the pen holder yesterday...I don't know HOW the pens are getting chewed, I just keep finding them like that. Frankly, it's disgusting and I would never do such a thing. I don't understand how you could think it was me, but it wasn't......" Blah, blah, blah.
So what, we've got invisible pen chewing rodents running rampant now? Lemme guess....one of 'em is Harvey and we're gonna call the other one Fred.
Keep telling yourself whatever you need to; I'm still bringing my own damn pens. I stared at her blankly as she denied her obviously uncontrollable oral fixation yet again. Then she dropped it. Never said another fuckin' word....well, about the chewy thing anyway.

Then it changed the subject and kept talking to me. And talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking summore like I was it's best and only buddy.
I don't remember what it told me, because I was trying not to listen - or pick up the chair I was sitting in to swing it at her. I could no longer control the epileptic facial twitches that inevitably occur when I'm forced to hear people incessantly drone the fuck on about shit I never wanted to know in the first place. I'm pretty sure I got up and walked out. I do that a lot.

Upon my return, I noticed a box of food which skankfest declared was for me. [-I find it odd that Harvey and Fred continue to devour my pens, yet had no desire to eat my food.]
I had completely forgotten I ordered lunch from the ladies who occasionally bring us food a few days prior. I was pissed for a minute when I remembered I didn't have enough cash....I had like $2 on me, and I owed the ladies $5 for it.
Skankdouche actually offered to buy my lunch. And she did. I couldn't believe it. I really should be mean more often.

A couple hours after the cootie parade clocked out, apparently it had it's mother call.
I often wondered if it even had a belly button, because I was pretty sure it was hatched, but here's mommaskank wanting to know what kind of heater her offspring was allowed. She said she had a heater up there, but that it's missing now.
"My little whore is cold natured and is freezing her infested cesspool of a cunt nearly off every day.
She NEEDS a heater because her genital warts are cold natured too, and she can't concentrate when they start shivering too.
I don't understand why you people won't let her have a heater because that's just cruel." It's not nearly as cruel as having to look at the bitch's face. As professionally as I could, I replied "Because it's a hundred godamn degrees outside and nobody wants to sit in her lagoon of fuckin' ass sweat." Actually, what I think I said was "We have way too much equipment up here, and it's just not necessary."

That heater was literally on it's last leg anyway and was a SERIOUS fire hazard. Probably because I kicked it one too many times, but whatever.
Then mommaskank said "Well, then I guess I'll just have to talk to your boss about it tonight when I see him."
HA HAA HAAAA! You go ahead and do that.
I know good and godamn well he started drinking HOURS ago, and if he actually gives a flyin' fuck about what you're spouting off at him, he won't remember it tomorrow anyway. I never heard from my boss about the heater situation, so either A) I was right, or B) I was right.

I go through the same self defeating process every god forsaken day.
Skankfest tries to talk to me, my eyes roll back a lot while trying to ignore it, it eventually leaves, I lysol the infected area.
Wash, rinse, repeat.

Then one of my favorite salesmen walked by and said "You know I got written up for your little stunt the other day, don't ya?"
Um, nope. *snicker* What happened buddy?
Evidently,he walked by the office while the rawhides were in the pen holder, looked at her, and said "Hey Chewey, what's up?"
I'll admit it wasn't the most brilliantly sadistic line ever, but it was still pretty funny. At least I got a chuckle out of it.
Apparently she didn't. It pissed her off enough, she turned him into our comptroller who had to write him up.
I don't know which "rule" it was she was having to enforce, but it looks like it wasn't in MY copy of the handbook policies.
Bummer dude. Sorry 'bout that, but not very. If I had known you could get written up for giving people aliases, I'da never taken this damn job. I should have been fired YEARS ago.

A day later, the comptroller walked by my office. She stuck her head in my door and said "Shea, I need to talk to you in my office for a while...get Steph to answer the phones for you."
Fuck fuck fuuuuuck fuckitty fuck.
Welp, I guess this is it. There was no sense in arguing about it, my stunt was a wee tad outside of normally acceptable professional boundaries and I knew I'd have to deal with the consequences eventually. Fine.
I felt like I'd been sent to the principal's office, AGAIN.
Bend me over, I'll take my licks like a big girl, I'll sign my paperwork and be the fuck outta here. It's not like I don't know the routine by now.
She had me close the door and sit down. When people call you into their office and tell you to shut the door, it's rarely good news. *sigh*

Well, it turns out skankfest didn't turn me in. The only reason I was being called into the comptroller's office, was because I sent her a copy of the last two skanklogs.
Any lesser of an evil genius might not have done so....but I'm crafty.
She said she was unaware of any excessive hygiene (or anti-hygiene) issues.
Not only did I NOT get written up, they ordered me a new headset (after already giving me money for a new one the day before), AND ordered me a new chair without actually having seen the visible rings of moisture in my current one.
This might not seem like much of a feat to those of you reading, but if you had ANY clue how tight fisted my company is, you'd know this is nothing short of miraculous.

Jesus himself couldn't get a new chair out of these ass holes without the threat of a plague or turning people into salt pillars.
The comptroller told me "We'll keep it under the other desk and tell skankfest it's because you've got a bad back, and that she's not to sit in it, adjust it, or have anything to do with it."
This ROCKS! Then she said "Please Shea, if you have any more problems, remember you can come to me."
Yeah thanks, but it was MUCH more entertaining this way; I pshaw the people and their silly rules, and don't believe the majority of them should apply to me anyway. I high fived everybody I saw on the way back to my office....even the people who didn't work here or know what the fuck was going on. It was fantastic.

So, in summary: I WON -ish.
I'm not really sure what it is I won yet, aside from a new headset and a chair (which as of this moment has not yet arrived), but I'm ok with that.
I never did make skankarella cry, and she does still work here, so a little bit of me feels as though I failed, but it was really all about the principle of the thing. I tolerate the skank when I have to, and ignore her when it's at all possible. Maybe I am growing up a little bit....ok, pfffttttt! Fuck mature, I like me the way I am.