Step around the poop, if you can

I took today off of work because my parents were driving in from the San Fernando Valley to visit with me and give me boxes of shit that were in their closet/garage that they didnt want, but instead of throwing the crap away, they thought I might like to own these items - at least my mom thought so.

They finally arrived and got out of their SUV -my happy go lucky dad opened the door for his wife and helped her out of the vehicle.

My mom swung her bird legs out, with a purse that was bigger than her, in one hand, and her inhaler, for the asthma, in the other while attemping to grab my face to kiss me. 15 minutes later, my mom was finally out of the car and directed my dad to bring in the boxes from the back.

In the boxes layed some thoughtful treasures from the parents:

A poncho made of different dark and light colored suede leather squares, a homemade potpourri craft taken from my mom's underwear drawer, a pair of chandelier earrings purchased at Big Lots with no backs, a pair of jeans that were 8 sizes too small for me, 2 small cat bowls-imprinted with "meow" because, according to my mom, my cats are her only grandchildren, a blue something that was half dress half gym shirt and a pair of red/black velvet lounge pants.

Thanks mom and dad for the gifts. Why, it was just like my birthday.

My parents wanted to see Irvine Spectrum. So I loaded the 2 youngsters, in my car and off we went to visit this place.

On the way there we passed by "Captain Cream" and my dad wanted to stop in there to get some ice cream. I had to explain to my dad that Captain Cream was a titty bar not an ice cream parlor- he looked surprised and wanted to know what I meant by a titty bar. Horrified, I was now in the unique situation to explain to MY DAD what a titty bar was.

That was traumatizing-especially when his face brightened, he smiled and said "YEAH" like he was watching the Lakers win the playoffs while my mom was in the backseat. At these times, its good shes hard of hearing.

After that, I got to hear all about his appointment next week to have a colonoscopy and that they would probably find a Big Mac stuck in there from the seventies.

He is hopeful he wont be able to hear people farting while hes in the waiting room-cause that'll scare him.

When we got to Nordstroms, my dad commented on how their carpets needed a good cleaning to get all the spots out. You can take the old man out of the clean freak but you cant take the clean freak out of the old man.

We sat down to eat and we had to shout everything to my mom so she could hear what everyone was talking about.

My dad and I were having a normal decible conversation about Carlos Mencia in the booth and my mom screams out loud, "WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" My dad yelled back "CARLOS MENCIA"

I mean it sounded like the Montliff scene from 2001 Space Odessey right there in the restaurant.

On the way back from eating, while my mom snoozed in the backseat, my dad was describing to me a coyote he had seen up close-mangy and flea ridden.

Suddenly my mom decided to wake up from her nap just as dad said "mangy and flea ridden" She heard that part and demanded to know who we were talking about.

This was too much for me to resist.... I had to say "you", I had to.

Its okay, they both laughed.

Then I turned on my CD of Craig Shoemaker, the Lovemaster, and we listened to that all the way home.

My dad goes, oh, hes a black guy.

I had to explain to my dad that Lovemaster is a character voice and its done in the stereotypical black voice but Craig, himself, is white.

Dad still looked puzzled

But mom sort of liked it when Craig as Lovemaster said in one of his bits that, "if you leave the room I can still put your eye out." Guess she didnt care at that point what color Craig was.

And how was your day?